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“Why’s he making that face? Holy shit, he just spoke in a fake
English accent. What does ‘Uh-oh’ mean? What?! You pulled out and
the condom is still in me? I will fucking kill you.”
—Anonymous
“Is he going to make a stab at the wrong hole?”—Anonymous,
30
“Here’s the breakdown:
70%: The sex I am currently having.
10%: Sex I had at some other time.
10%: Sex I might someday want to have.
5%: Whether or not I look hot.
3%: Seriously, cat, get off the bed!
2%: Baseball.” —Anonymous, 31
“My bedroom is above a noise-sensitive nun, so I envision my
virginal downstairs neighbor seething with rage and jealousy at
being awoken by the creaks and groans of something she’ll never
experience. I squeal the Lord’s name in vain a little louder just
for her.” —Anonymous, 26
“I think I’m his sex slave, but that’s only because my boyfriend
respects me in real life. Meaning the better he treats me outside
the bedroom, the more he can mistreat me inside it.”
—Anonymous, 25
“I love looking down and seeing this big hot dog jamming into me.
They say men are more easily excited by looking, but women love
looking, too.” —Anonymous, 32
“If it’s terrible, I’ll just drift off into a list of errands or
last week’s episode of whatever show I’m into. Sometimes I wonder
why they canceled Hello, Larry. If the postcoital
conversation includes McLean Stevenson, you can be pretty sure I
faked it.” —Anonymous, 33
“During sex, more often than I would like to admit, I am thinking
about whether or not I have to pee.” —Anonymous, 26
 “I
have to think of something to get me to the finish line. It sounds
hokey, but I always envision my partner…only engaged in things I
couldn’t pay him to do. You name it: leather, gyno fantasies, hot
man-on-man action…” —Anonymous, 30
“I once imagined having sex with my boyfriend’s best friend, but
then I started wondering why I’m never satisfied, which got me
thinking about my shrink, which made me wonder if my health
insurance covered therapy. Then I started to think about the health
care system in Canada, which made me think of my miserly uncle who
has a huge potbelly. And then I got really turned off.”
—Anonymous
“Oh, my God, I’m so fat. I should have shaved. That would make me
feel better about being fat.” —Anonymous, 30
“If he’s doing something that isn’t a turn-on—say, we’re doing it
doggy style and he’s slapping my breasts—I think, Would this
look good in a porno? If the answer is yes, then I do get
turned on. Works like a charm.” —Anonymous, 31
 “Soon
as I sense an orgasm, I go through my to-do list in my head, titled
‘How to Come.’ First on the to-do list is to remember to breathe.
Next, I must close my eyes if I haven’t done so already, because I
could easily get distracted by the dirty clothes. Finally, I imagine
this wave of feeling, like the tide is coming in. Other than that I
am so not thinking when I am having an orgasm. I get so
fucking clear about life and everything for about two minutes. Fuck
therapy—I need more orgasms!” —Anonymous,
34
“I think about strategy. I figure out what I’d like to do to him
first and play with positions in my mind—planning out which position
I’d like to start in and where we should end up for the finish.”
—Anonymous, 25
“I think about him coming, which is always a turn-on, as long he
lasts for more than five minutes. That is unless I’m tired or
preoccupied or late for work.” —Anonymous, 32
“Recently, I’ve been all about the mental visuals of X-rated sex
scenes from my favorite porn or movies. The scene between Eminem and
that skanky chick in 8 Mile—they’re in a factory, standing
up, all fast and dirty—will flash into my head.”
—Anonymous, 31
“I’ve always got a million thoughts ricocheting in my head like
stray bullets. In past hot encounters, I’d fixate on flashes of body
parts, dirty things my partner had said before, slutty moments with
past sexual partners, weird places I’d like to have sex in the
future, on and on, a barrage of images. Just like watching a porn
movie in fast-forward!” —Anonymous,
33
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