it's my turn to Thank you all
for your great emails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of
I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel.
Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while
flipping through the adult movie channels. Nor can I
sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because the number one pastime while
driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans
fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who s about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule
away from being plastic.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I
drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God' on their cans.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow
up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected
Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I won't shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore ,
and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my
own because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll
get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will
If you don't refer at least 14,000 people to this
page in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow
afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
Have a wonderful day....