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A FOOLPROOF GUIDE TO
CHEATING AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT,
TIPS FROM THE PROS: WOMEN.
1. MAKE YOUR GIRL A GUY.
News flash: Every woman looks at her man’s
cell phone log when the opportunity arises. The same
goes for sideways glances at your phone when a new
text arrives. Is it your friend Joe commenting on
the Cubs game? Or is it that whore in your office
you’ve been boning—I knew it, you filthy pig!
If it is, in fact, that whore in your office,
by no means should she be in your phone under her
real name - or a female name at all. A little gender
swap will save your ass numerous times.Whatever name
you choose, just be sure to adjust the settings on
your phone regarding incoming texts. If she sees a
message from “Steve” that reads “I want you inside
me,” you could have some explaining
to do.
2. HACKPROOF YOUR LIFE.
If you’ve used the same e-mail password since
you got your first AOL account in 1996 and use that
same password for other sites, you’re pretty much
asking to be spied on. If you’re going to have an
affair, you need to create a completely separate
e-mail account for your fling. Additionally, you
need to log off from that account entirely every
time you send a message. Hell, quit your browser and
clear the cache, too. It’s a simple thing to do, yet
one of the biggest safeguards cheaters ignore.
3. ALWAYS BE REACHABLE.
Main rule of thumb is to never give the
boyfriend any cause for suspicion, and not getting
back to him quickly when he calls or texts would
definitely do that. Returning phone calls right away
can be challenging, especially if the background
noise doesn’t jibe with your excuse—a quiet motel
won’t sound like a game with the boys no matter
what’s on the TV. If she calls and it’s a bad time,
text back ASAP that you’ll call her when you can
hear better—even if you’re mid-coitus. Or if you
stick to this rule as hard and fast as Nancy does,
you could just pick up the phone. “I once answered
my boyfriend’s call while a fling was doing me from
behind,” she says, laughing. “I grabbed the guy’s
thigh to let him know to stop pounding and let me
talk, so then he started moving really slowly while
I talked to my boyfriend about dinner plans and
tried not to moan. The extreme sluttiness of it was
actually pretty hot.”
4. TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE.
Women are known for running their mouths, but
when it comes to our own affairs, we turn into nuns
who’ve taken a vow of silence (except when we’re
having all that sex). A woman will never flaunt an
indiscretion— unlike men, who need to brag about
every sexual conquest. Other women are unlikely to
be supportive of an affair, probably because every
girl has been a victim of infidelity at some point
in her life. So most lady-cheats find it’s best to
keep their slutty ways secret. Every guy, on the
other hand, seems to think the unwritten “bro code”
is enough to keep his indiscretions between him and
his poker pals, his golf foursome, and his mailman.
Remember, men talk, too—especially those in
relationships, who always tell their girlfriends and
wives about friends’ affairs (you know you do this,
and you know you do it to look good in comparison).
Your best bet is not to tell any of your goofball
buddies— and that includes using them for alibis.
5. CHOOSE WISELY.
Perhaps the single most important factor in
having your affair go unnoticed is choosing a girl
who won’t—or can’t—throw you under the bus. Remember
ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, who had sex with that
underling? She sent a graphic letter to his wife
outlining their tryst, busting up his marriage and
costing him his job. If you must stick it in someone
else, don’t go with the intern who follows you
around like a lovesick puppy. Instead, try the
married colleague you put in long hours with. Don’t
want to fish off the company pier? Open a branch
office, like Heather, a 29-year- old photographer,
who cheats only on business trips. “I love my
boyfriend, but monogamy is for the birds,” she says.
“I enjoy fucking new guys, then going home to the
man who loves me. I’d never want him to run into
them, so I only do it in other cities.”
6. DON’T DATE YOUR FLING.
Number one rule for cheating is pretty simple, Fuck,
don’t date. Period. Don’t meet up for coffee, don’t
confide in each other about your lives, don’t even
exchange numbers if you can avoid it. Just fuck. If
you find yourself having Tiger-like text exchanges
about your psyche and life, you’ve got bigger issues
than run-of-the-mill hominess, and your cheating
license should be revoked. Bottom line: Emotional
involvement makes you more susceptible to
slip-ups.
7. DON’T OVERCOMPENSATE.
It’s a classic mistake: You feel guilty or
you’re just plain terrified of being found out, so
you smother your significant other with unusual acts
of kindness... and that gets them wondering what’s
going on. You should preserve the status quo in
your relationship. Don’t suddenly start lavishing
your girl with gifts. Take a cue from Kobe Bryant:
Spoil your woman with jewels after she’s caught you
cheating. Not before.
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