4 Things You Should Never Tease a Guy About

Let's set one thing straight: You can tease me about the way I dress or hold my stomach in whenever you walk by. Fine. I'm the kind of guy who can take it as well as he dishes it out. But having said that, I'll admit there are some things you should never ever tease me -- or any other guy -- about. Our hair, stature, salary and penis size: Poke fun at one of those and you might as well rip out our hearts and use them as coasters for your herbal tea.

Why are these such sore spots for men? First, they can be quantified and compared against other men's attributes. Second, we have absolutely no power to change them. And third, these things tap into the male belief that -- like sex partners and power tools -- the more you have, well, the more you have!
 

Our Money
Having more money is obviously much better than having less. Men believe that their financial worth reflects their inner worth. So teasing us about our salaries is really another way of making fun of our manhood. Recently, my friend Nancy made fun of me when she said, "Your TV is the tiniest of any guy I know." That comment burned a hole in my ego because it pitted me against the rest of the guys she knows -- men with bigger, wider, um, screens. Big TVs mean big wallets. And a guy's net worth isn't something he can just instantly change -- unless he has a gun and ski mask. The cut deepened when, continuing to survey my humble home, she then asked, "So what exactly do you spend your money on?" Should I mention the Rogaine? I wondered.

Our Hair
If there's anything men are sensitive about -- besides old movies about dogs -- it's our hair. Every guy I know worries about losing his locks one day, because he truly believes that with his hair goes his ability to attract women.

My fair-haired friend Stan was devastated after a girlfriend said, "Your hair is such a nice color. Too bad you don't have more of it." Foul! Stan can't do anything about his thinning thatch, at least not without answering grainy ads in the back of muscle mags. .

Our Height
And men can't do anything about their height. My dad and both of my brothers are 6 feet tall. I'm 5 feet 8 inches. A few months ago, when my friend Kelly teased, "Your brothers got all the height -- what did you get?" I replied, "A sunny
#*&$%ing disposition!" Although there have been many puny-yet-powerful types like Napoleon and, um, Napoleon, studies show that taller men are taken more seriously than guys like me. And there is a commonly held belief that the taller a guy is, the proportionately bigger he is elsewhere. (Of course, we know they're referring to feet.)

Our Manhood
That brings up the final torturous taunt: mocking our Manhood. It's easy for you to tease a man about his member since you don't have one, but on our list of priorities, it's just below breathing. I, like other men, am quite attached to my penis. And while I welcome most of the attention a woman may pay to my joystick -- good for one or two players -- making a cutting remark about it is not welcome. You might as well just cut the damn thing off. (Actually, do me a favor -- don't.)

The point is, teasing a man about his member implies you're comparing him to someone else -- perhaps your ex who made those videos with Pamela Lee. Our mental health doesn't need that. And neither do our therapy bills.