100 Things you need to know about women
You know not
to forget her birthday and that her favorite
flowers are purple tulips. But you need the
complete list. Please use it responsibly.
100.
Girls enjoy always having something kind of
wrong, like a headache or cramping or something,
Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s
going to outlive you.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first
time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If
your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s
trying to keep herself in line.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you
can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not
attracted to her.
97. Beware of your girlfriend’s single party
friend or gay bud. They want her to be single
with them and will encourage any had behavior as
often as possible.
96. Jewelry. Now you
always know what to get her for a last-minute
gift.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear
is the biggest turnoff in the world.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends.
She doesn’t get along with other women because
she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
93. Girls who say, ”I
love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what
time the game is on, without specifying which
game they’re talking about, are not.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in
pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when
she’s most fertile.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards
from her past boyfriends.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to
drive, even if it’s their car.
89.
A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from
Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from
Fortunoff. Why?
Because her friends will ask
where she got it.
88 “lf I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday
and Wednesday are your best bets to score a
date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too
late.”—Claire, 27
87.
Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact
that on average they receive less pay than male
counterparts—and the fact that they work less
overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the
discussion.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is
like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for
her, you noble bastard.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes
could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s
Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been
with a prostitute—scientific proof most women
are decent in bed.
83. Women always want to believe what you’re
saying is true.
82. What do women really want in bed? More
blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about
the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score
one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the
other one because there’s a good chance it’ll
end the relationship.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill,
they’ll take it.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best
blow job you’ve ever had.
78. “I hate when my
boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top
of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait
five minutes.”—Erin, 27
77. The average woman
kisses 79 men before getting married.
76. She hates your
Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for
some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on
a dork like you.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also
like to keep their men on a short leash.
74. “Girls who buy their men
lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding
themselves. They’re trying to keep him
happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 37
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will
use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent
her your car or helped her move and didn’t get
laid, you’re one of the 10.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to
remain calmer than men.
Though it should be noted that inventing minor
crises on a weekly basis gives them more
practice.
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same
places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples —we
just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
70.
Unless they’re
lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out
with other girls. Even if
they’re ugly. And,
really, even if they’re lesbians.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find
it
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100
females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to- female
ratio of any city with a population of
100,000-plus.The highest male-to-female ratio is
in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100
females.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or
you’ll be ”friended.”
66. They can’t live without tension. Every once
in a while, she’s gonna
pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this
as a running, inevitable theme and your
relationship will make a lot more sense.
65. The most painless way to end an argument:
Let her win.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that
a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue
eyes.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to
59 hold out for their honeymoon.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of
getting married drop by 40 percent for every
16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ
for a man boosted his chances of getting married
by 35 percent.
61. When a
woman tells you her problems, she does not want
you to offer solutions.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as
the biggest foreplay faux pas.
59.
’When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a
vibrator.’—Lauren, 35
58 If
they’re going to do it, most wives cheat between
the ages of 18 and 29.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than
they are, Don’t point
this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll
freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they
apply, which means they eat approximately one to
three sticks per year.
55. The hest-looking women often possess the
least self-confidence.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but
sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her
tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they
can pull this off, but they always develop
feelings for the guy,” says Evie,22.
53.
According to the American Association of Facial
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina
Jolie’s lips were
the most requested celebrity feature among all
female patients in 2004.
52.
Despite always complimenting another woman’s
short haircut, she secretly celebrates having
one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
51. Don’t
call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as
“not vomit-inducing.”
“Sexy,” OK. “Hot,”
yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at
least slightly buzzed.
50. Women
often buy shoes a size or two small because
they’re in denial about the size of their
feet—which they can’t stand.
49.
They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women
know where they stand looks-wise but worry about
being considered cool, about which they’re
unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics,
23 percent of 18-to 34-year-old women live with
their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid
you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure
her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less
classy and she’ll probably go wild.
Jager helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of male magazine
readers are women.
44. A
psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her
man—including anal.
43. About
40 percent of women still call their father
Daddy.
42. The
only way girls who don’t know each other can
start a conversation and signal that they’re
nonthreatening is to
compliment one another’s clothes, shoes,
jewelry, or hair. To become BFF, a common enemy
is needed.
41. If she
suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she
no longer cares what you think of her. But that
doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone
else’s opinion.
40. About
half of all brides will lose a good friend over
a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It
never hurts to say you’re sorry; even if you
don’t mean it.
38. Let
her beat you at something once in a while—poker,
chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to
give you what you want, like some peace and
quiet.
37.
Women’s public bathrooms are about three times
more disgusting than men’s.
36. “At one point or
another, I’ve gone through your things looking
for any evidence from past relationships.
I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos,
address books, diaries. If you don’t like it,
get rid of this stuff before letting me in your
apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about
curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been
satiated.”—Caroline, 28
35.
Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy
partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick
rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women
while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit
back and let her sing the Sarah
Mctachlan or
Ani
DiFranco song. It’s
only about four minutes long.
33. The
average woman owns eight bras and wears each one
five times before washing. Shasta!
32.Girls
will not sit on any toilet outside their own
home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else
they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a
new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom
should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus,
and several full rolls of TP.
30. “Don’t
caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you
really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 27
29. On a
first date, women never order what they really
want to eat.
28. Breast
augmentation surgery
has grown by 257 percent since 1997.
The most popular size?
C-cup. As if you
didn’t know.
27. Gain
her trust when you’re out by calling her at
10P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking
of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-0 shots off
some skank’s
cleavage.
26. Put
down the Drakkar and
grab a box of Good&Plenty.
Women are turned on by the scent of black
licorice.
25. At
least one of her friends wants to sleep with
you.
24. A good
but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women
love nothing more than home improvements.
.gif)
23.
Every woman is self-conscious about her ass.
Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more
often.
22. If you
want more sex, tell your girl an attractive
woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the
time, it works every time.
21. More
than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25
would prefer to be run over by a truck than be
fat.
20. All
women think they’re smarter than their partners
in some significant way.
19. The
more piercings she
has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
18. Once
in awhile, let her pick the movie and don’t
complain about it.
17. Good
sex will calm down a hysterical woman.
16. Chicks
aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to
have the nerve to ask.
15. Girls
don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud
and refuse to give up bowling night with the
guys.
14. Don’t
take a woman to a concert you really want to
see—she’ll just want to leave early.
13. Women
appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t
give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.
12.
Studies show women are more attracted
to ”macho” guys near
ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn
to ”good providers,”
otherwise known as chumps.
11. She
likes one of your friends.
10. Ugly
girls like to hang out with pretty girls because
it makes them feel like they’re more attractive.
Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the
same reason.
9.
The minute she decides she’s even mildly
interested in you, she starts making mental
pictures of what your kids would look like and
imagining her first name with your last.
8. Sixty
percent of women in the United States color
their hair, according to L’Oreal (who
are obviously hoping
they can peer- pressure the other 40 percent).
7. Dated a
stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
6. Rub a
sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your
face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you
kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner
thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you
shave.)
5. Female
serial killers tend to use poison rather than
guns or knives.
4.
Foghat’s ”Slow
Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the
hint?
3. The one
breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you
out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have
feelings for you.”
2. Buying a present for your
girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she
finds out you took along another woman to help
pick it out.
1. You’ll
probably never know how many guys she’s slept
with. The standard lie is five.
Which really means about 12.
