How To: Pierce Yourself

1. Choose Your Weapon
Anyone can mutilate his own flesh with a fancy piercing gun, but Mom’s sewing needle, a thumbtack, or a prison shiv provides that homey touch. “The device needs to be spiky, not blunt,” says Ines Gilbert, a nurse practitioner in Topeka, Kansas. Soak the tip in alcohol, then heat it over a flame before you commence to stabbin’. Stick to the ear, nostril, or even a nipple. Tongues need hollow needles wielded by pros—one false move can hit a major blood vessel and kill you.

2. Scope The Area
Scrub the spot in question with antibacterial soap, and make sure there are no lumps—piercing scar tissue could cause yummy cauliflower-looking growths called keloids. Wipe with alcohol, then mark the hole-to-be with a nontoxic surgical pen.“Use a ring rather than a stud so you can get a healing agent through the hole,” advises Jerry Frederick, a professional piercer in Glendale, Arizona. Remember: Right ear’s gay, pal.

3. Shoot To Fill
Keep your spike straight and level; angles make it harder to install the bling-bling later. If piercing anything dangly, hold a bar of soap on the other side to catch the needle. Now cringe and jab through your flesh in one fluid motion. Wash the wound with antibacterial soap three times a day for two weeks, rotating the ring. “Don’t use alcohol or peroxide,” warns Frederick. “They kill white blood cells and dry the wound.” In two months you can switch out your starters for Mr. T–style feathers. Huzzah!
   

Who am I to stop you? By the way this is not a medically approved page.